5.- You

 Dear someone I'll never meet,

Sometimes I think about how pathetic and painful my life must be to get to the point of only managing to relieve the weight of my sadness by writing letters to someone I will never meet.

How can I cope with the fact that, in my 30's, I have stopped trusting people to the point that I only tell my honest truths to a piece of paper? 

A long time ago you appeared in my dreams: a man with a silky-smooth voice, whispering to me the words I had been searching for all day. In the morning I always woke up with a different song in my head, just the one that explained everything I wanted to say. In none of my dreams have I seen your face, only a smile as warm as the August sun. Many times I thought of giving you a name, but nothing seemed good enough for the being who helps me sleep at night and who, from far, far away, over the rainbow, listens to me every time I speak to him silently.

When the spring light starts to appear, I hope you won't go away so I can tell you how the sea smells, how the clouds dance, how the wind sings. And at the end of this long, hard journey, when there are no more tears to shed, when nothing hurts anymore, when no one hurts me anymore, when I reach the light, then I will sing you all the songs I discovered, I will read you all the letters I wrote, and I will see the story of my life in your eyes, in black and white, like an old film.

4.- Spring

  Dear someone I'll never meet,

I have been wondering lately why some of us dream of the arrival of spring, while for others it is of no importance. 

Do they live a quieter life, do they have no worries, do they not feel affected by the long, cold winter nights?

I am so curious...

I don't know at what point I lost my way, but I feel as if I am moving in an eternal winter. It's so foggy that I can't see if there's anyone beside me. It's so cold that I don't know what can warm my heart a little. My lips are chapped and it hurts to make up a smile. 

Did you find spring there? Are there flowers, warm rays of sunshine? Do you see people on the street walking with their pets, talking to others, laughing? Do you feel the smell of the sea? Does the air make you smile?

I am so curious...

3.- Happy birthday

Dear someone I will never meet,

I made it through another year. 

I remember, until not so long ago, my birthday was all about parties, calls and visits. I never really cared about birthday presents, the only thing that always mattered was knowing that people remembered it was my birthday and that I had friends to celebrate it with. I even had this sort of "black list" of people who have forgotten my birthday, and then I would pretend to be mad with them for a couple of days.

At some point I decided to just go out with some of my closest friends and have some drinks. But, as time passed, that group became 3 persons, as crazy as I am, and also people I was able to talk with... about anything...

At this point, I don't even care... Being here is enough, and, sometimes, even too much. I just celebrate I've been strong enough to make it through another year.

But, to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm being strong, brave or just stubborn. I don't know if I don't want to give up because of me, or because I would hate if people say I'm a coward. Sometimes I wonder how it is up there, at least it will be quiet and peaceful, right? But this is not the time, I still don't want to give up, or maybe just too afraid...

2.- Kids

 Dear someone I'll never meet,

I discovered today that I want to have kids. 

Never wanted kids before. I, definitely don't, trust people, also, I'm not that young anymore and cannot be more single. But I want to have kids. No because I want a projection of myself or because I want to mend my mistakes through a child, maybe just because I have too much love to give and the need to protect someone with everything I am.

Am I being selfish again?

I thought I was okay with being the cool auntie who travels a lot, goes to parties and have handsome boyfriends. The cool aunt who brings you gifts from her last travel to Tahiti (never been there, but it should be cool). But seems that I don't want that anymore.

I want to be a mother, I want to have kids. Sing to them and with them, read them "The Little Prince", watch movies and dance together. Take them to school and to swimming lessons. Watch them grew up happy and healthy.

Maybe one day I'll have kids... Maybe one day I'll be happy... Who knows?

1.- Tired

 Dear someone I will never meet,

I've been having these thoughts lately... I'll try to put it into words, because I just need to set them free, maybe I will be able to breath.

Sometimes life is hard, is heavy, is painful.

Do you know the story of The Titans? In my head you are someone who enjoys reading, learning new things, someone who like new and old stories, so I assume you do. I feel like I'm being eternally punished like them, carrying the same heavy weight on my shoulders than Atlas, suffering like Prometheus. 

It's too much, so much that sometimes I just want to give up. It would be way much easier to give up, right? I just want to rest, but I've been called stupid, crazy or selfish every time I talk about it. Guess that if I'm being selfish, then it is wrong.

But, the thing is, if I'm tired, then why it is wrong? They say it is okay to be tired, but wanting to rest is selfish. What should I do if I'm just an empty body now...?

I'm tired... I still can't breathe...

Intro

 Dear someone I will never meet,

Seems like night never ends, an eternal dark night without moonlight. Seems like winter is getting colder and there's no spring waiting for me, even though it is summer.

I think I'm getting used to it.

Thanks for living in my dreams while I walk alone.